


where the tide goes

by gracieli



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Mentions of Drowning, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Tsunami (9-1-1), Pre-Relationship, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:55:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25510954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracieli/pseuds/gracieli
Summary: The first year anniversary of the tsunami is approaching and Buck does what he can to put it out of his mind. This, however, becomes sort of impossible when the new recruit decides to watch a news station covering the tsunami while Buck is in the room.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 425





	where the tide goes

**Author's Note:**

> tw: ptsd, anxiety attacks, mentions of drowning & the tsunami

This shift has been torturous, although Buck can’t really say why. 

It’s been slow, the team having only been sent out on three minor calls within twelve hours and he couldn’t decide whether or not he was grateful for the relative quiet of the shift. While Buck normally hated slow shifts, he could admit to himself that he was exhausted and running himself dry. The last few nights had definitely been rough, to say the least. With the first year anniversary of the tsunami approaching, Buck feels like he’s been losing whatever sanity he had managed to recover in the aftermath of the disaster. 

If his teammates have caught on, they thankfully don’t say anything to him about it and he’d like for it to stay that way. Buck knows they mean well but he doesn’t need his friends to tell him what he already knows. He _knows_ that he’s struggling to contain his fear and anxiety, that they’re slowly seeping into his consciousness and contaminating him, but as of now he still has a lid on it and so he's good, really. 

Buck was able to move past the tsunami by keeping himself separate from it, building a dam so high and impenetrable that the force of his terror couldn’t drown him. So while a few cracks have fissured open in the past week, it still works well enough for him and it’s all he knows so he clings to it. 

He suspects Bobby may have caught on when his captain had pulled him from where he was anxiously cleaning the already sparkling ladder truck and asked if he would help him make dinner. He was glad to not be alone with his thoughts but at some point Bobby stepped out to take a phone call with the Chief, leaving Buck with the sole duty of dinner prep. Not that he minds, honestly. While he once thought of cooking as a stressful ordeal, once he became more familiar with the basics and trusted himself a bit more with it, cooking quickly became a way to relax and let his thoughts and worries melt away. With the added stress of the anniversary of the tsunami, he eagerly welcomes the distraction. 

He’s pulling out a cutting board when Fitzpatrick, one of the new recruits, walks into the loft. Buck glances in his direction and they both nod at one another before Buck searches for a knife and Fitz plops down on the couch, both content to mind their own business. 

Buck begins dicing some tomatoes when he hears Fitz turn on the TV. He’s flipping through channels and _man_ this kid is indecisive. There’s a small part of him that grows irritated, wanting to have just settled into the peace that cooking offered, but it’s not Fitzpatrick’s fault that he feels frayed around the edges. 

Naturally, it’s just his luck that Fitz lands on a news station doing coverage on the tsunami, of all things. 

A knot forms in his stomach but he doesn’t want to be annoying or raise any questions that he _definitely_ would not want to answer so he resolves to tune it out instead. He forces himself to recall the Wikipedia page he read on jellyfish earlier in the day, hoping that the comfort and satisfaction of hard facts could be enough to distract him. 

_Jellyfish have two life forms, the medusa and the polyp._

_The largest jellyfish is the lion’s mane jellyfish, which has tentacles spanning roughly 50 feet._

Buck tries to narrow the world down to that dumb Wikipedia page and the tomatoes he’s cutting. His hands might be shaking and maybe his breathing has picked up but he’s okay.

_Jellyfish have been around for over 500 million years. There are few fossils of jellyfish since they have no hard parts but a rare fossil discovered in Utah can be dated back to 540 million years ago._

And, well, this works until it doesn’t, because why in the hell does this kid have the volume so _loud_? 

He hears it before he sees it, shaky cellphone footage of the wave descending on the pier taking up the entire television screen. An icy tendril of fear slips down his spine and chokes him. He’s completely frozen and just like that, he’s not at the firehouse anymore and his heart sinks when he realizes that he never left the pier. He’s completely frozen and the wave is coming closer and it’s so big, it’s something out of nightmare but it’s real, it’s the only thing in the world that is real and he’s not running down the pier this time because he can’t move, why can’t he move and he looks up just the water slams into him, steals his breath and constricts his lungs, thrashes his body like it’s nothing, like he’s nothing and Buck can’t fight it, never stood a chance against the wave which shows no mercy as it destroys everything in its path. 

He was so stupid to think that he was safe, that he finally stood on solid ground. The wave was always there, waiting for him, waiting to take everything away from him again. 

* * *

Eddie is just finishing helping Chim restock the ambulance and hopping out of the rig when the new recruit comes rushing up to him, looking panicked and uncertain. He doesn’t really know the kid yet, can’t begin to guess why he’s coming to _him_ of all people in a panic. 

“Uh, Eddie - I’m not really sure what’s going on but Buck is in the kitchen freaking out. I didn’t really know what to do but I thought since you’re his partner-"

Eddie is already rushing towards the stairs and he’d feel bad for the way he practically pushed Fitzpatrick out of his way if he wasn’t so concerned. As he reaches the top of the stairs, he can hear a news report playing on the TV and things begin to click into place when he recognizes they’re covering the tsunami. Alarms are blaring in his mind and he searches the room for Buck only to find him curled up behind the kitchen counter, his large form twisted in on itself and shaking. 

While Buck is open with his joy and love, even with relative strangers, he rarely lets the people even closest to him see his vulnerabilities, thinking of them as something to be ashamed of. It’s the only thing about Buck that Eddie hates but it’s not like Eddie has much of a leg to stand on. Even so, the one person he has always felt comfortable sharing his hurt with is Buck. He likes to think he is that person for Buck, too, but that doesn’t matter at all right now because he won’t let his best friend suffer alone any longer regardless, not when he’s finally there and able to help. 

Eddie quickly turns off the TV then rushes to Buck’s side. He’s beyond scared for his best friend who he’s never seen this terrified and gone to the world. Buck’s normally bright blue eyes are clouded over in panic and all the color has escaped his face. He chokes on his own breath as he tries to inhale and harsh, short puffs barely escape past his clenched jaw.

Eddie gathers Buck’s clammy and trembling hands in his own, swiping his thumb over them in slow and calming circles. 

“Buck, you need to come back to me. You’re at the firehouse right now, okay? The water is gone and you’re safe.”

Buck’s hands grab at his, seemingly desperate for anything to ground him, to keep him from being pulled away. He whines, small and pathetic, as he clenches Eddie’s hands. 

Eddie tries to keep the panic from his voice. “Yeah, Buck, it’s Eddie. I got you, come on, come back.”

After a few more minutes of gentle encouragement from Eddie, the fog finally seems to clear from behind Buck’s eyes and a flash of recognition pierces through. Buck frantically glances around the room, not focusing on anything really before returning to his partner, his eyes locking on Eddie’s. 

“Yeah, you’re safe, you’re okay, Buck.” Eddie isn’t too sure about that last part yet, but Buck nods shakily and stares at Eddie, still breathing way too erratically for Eddie’s liking. 

“Breathe,” he reminds Buck, “Nice and deep, okay?”

He keeps talking to Buck and when his breathing has finally calmed down, Eddie lets himself relax just the slightest bit. Buck slumps over, still weakly trembling. The panic and terror have bled out of him, leaving him wrung out and exhausted. Eddie allows Buck to have a few minutes to recover before he wraps his arm around Buck’s shoulders.

“Come on.”

Eddie ushers Buck over to one of the couches and sets him down. He sees Buck glance at the TV then down at his hands, which he’s started to wring anxiously. Eddie just sits across from him on the edge of the coffee table and waits. 

While Eddie was relieved that he found Buck and was able to help pull him out of his flashback, he hates how distraught and embarrassed Buck seems, how he refuses to look in Eddie’s direction. When it becomes obvious after a few moments that Buck has no intention of saying anything, Eddie takes initiative. 

“I’m guessing this isn’t the first time this has happened?”

Buck is still for a moment and Eddie can tell that he’s considering lying but then he takes in a deep breath and seems to resolve himself. 

“Uh, no, it’s not. It’s never been _that_ bad, but yeah. The first month or so after the tsunami was kinda rough but I worked past it, I got better - I swear. It’s just - with the anniversary coming up and everything, it’s _everywhere_ , you know?” 

“ _Buck_ , why didn’t you say anything? I could’ve helped you.”

This only seems to upset Buck and he rolls his eyes annoyedly as he breathes out. 

“Yeah, _maybe_ you could have, but that shouldn’t be on you.”

“Why not?” Eddie challenges. 

“ _Eddie_. You had Christopher to think about - still do, and I’m - I’m a grown man who should be able to take care of himself. I shouldn’t need to be coddled or-“

“Stop it, Buck. You're making it sound like you’re a burden.”

Eddie can tell that he’s hit a nerve when Buck winces and seems to shrink. At this, Eddie moves closer to Buck, takes his hands again and waits until Buck meets his gaze. 

“Buck, you saved my kid’s life. You’re my best friend and maybe I haven’t been the best at showing it if you still don’t get it, but you’re an important person in my life. The way you would do anything for me and Chris, I feel the same for you. You’re not a burden, not to me and not to the rest of our family.”

He continues, “So be honest with me, man. What do you need?”

Something in Buck unravels slightly at the question and his guard drops. His face scrunches up in exhausted frustration and bitter tears well up in his eyes. 

“What I need is to stop feeling this way, like I’m gonna lose it at any minute. I need to sleep but I _can’t_ , not without dreaming about it and waking up screaming and not knowing where I am and I can’t do that here and disturb everyone else.” 

Eddie thinks. “Okay, so I can keep you company while you sleep. If it looks like you’re starting to have a nightmare, I’ll wake you up.”

Buck stares at him, unimpressed. “You’re just gonna sit there and watch me sleep?”

Eddie laughs, “Nah, man, I’m pretty exhausted too. I might as well get some shut eye while we’re at it, but I’m a light sleeper. I’ll be there to wake you up if it comes to that.” 

Buck still seems hesitant so Eddie says, “You look like you’re about to collapse, Buck. Come on.”

Buck relents, “Yeah, okay.”

Eddie helps Buck off the couch and they start making their way towards the bunks when Buck stalls. He asks, “What should I do about Fitz?”

“Nothing - you don’t owe him anything, ok?

Eddie says this easily, knowing full well that he’ll have a conversation with Fitzpatrick later to make sure he doesn’t air Buck’s business out to everyone in the station. From what he’s seen, though, Fitz seems like a decent person and so he’s really not too concerned. 

It’s truly a testament to how tired Buck is that he doesn’t protest, just nods and keeps walking. When they get to the bunks, Buck climbs into one of the beds and Eddie doesn’t think about it too much before joining him, lying down on his back beside him. They don’t exchange any more words but they gradually intertwine, both needing the comfort of feeling the solid presence and warmth of the other. 

Eddie thinks Buck is asleep when he hears a soft, muffled whisper. 

“Thank you, Eddie.”

Eddie tilts his head to gently kiss Buck’s forehead, allows his lips to linger as he speaks. 

“Anytime. I mean it.” 

Buck hums contentedly and nuzzles his face into Eddie’s shoulder, his hair tickling Eddie’s neck. 

Both of them are aware of the territory they’ve slowly been crossing into, are aware that most friends don’t feel compelled to wrap themselves up in one another just to feel whole and okay, but neither of them are concerned, really. They know what they mean to each other and if the world is kind to them, they’ll have time. For now, they sleep and it’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> say what you will but I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of reading tsunami related fics. i'm 100% aware that everyone and their mother has written something about it but i’m very much okay with it. maybe if the 911 writers gave us literally any content of buck actually dealing with the aftermath it wouldn’t be this way but that’s none of my business 🙃
> 
> alsoooo i love how i’ve been reading fic for almost a decade and had never written a single thing in all that time but only in the past week i’ve realized how much i like it. who knew 
> 
> anyway i really hope you guys liked this! i’m at @gracieli on tumblr if anyone wants to say hi and cry about 911 or anything really


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